The Thing No One Dared To Ask

 Sometimes it really takes us a moment, or a particular experience to realize that life is not about us all the time. It's about every individual, and their stories that might remained unknown for the rest of our lives.

We might too often jumped into conclusion and declare whether someone is in our favor or not. We often judged a person's attitude or listen to every word they uttered in every sentence, only to judge it later. We often take things personally and get offended way too much.

I read books and I watched movies, and oftentimes I think having a quick death sounded very pleasing than having a slow - though surrounded by family- death. Come to think of it, I never contemplate so hard about death before. Not before these couple days.

Mentioning the word 'death' or 'pass away' (meninggal in Indonesian) is like having an elephant inside the room. No one wanted to talk about it. It's something that every family members know that it might be lurking near, but we decided unanimously in unison that we won't speak of it. Why? Because it's disrespectful.

I think this topic never actually got into our conscious mind as we kept on praying and taking care of the unconscious. Today, we have a lot of visitors; our old neighbor, friends from church, and even pastors from different churches that we all attend.

One of the pastor asked this, and it really left a big imprint on my mind.

"But all (of her) children and grandkids are ready, right?"

I think the real question lies underneath. It's not whether we are ready or not for the loss of a family member... It's more like 'Do we still have what it takes to preserve?"

Having someone comatose feels really helpless, and now I know what people got through in documentaries I watched. It really is a helpless situation, and the only thing we, as a living relatives do, is pray and hope. Do we still believe in miracle? Do we still believe in recovery?

It is indeed hard, especially knowing that there's nothing we can do except from changing the IV, regularly giving oxygen, and clean up everything that related to the bowe movement. What can we do, actually? We don't even have the power to make someone's brain alive like it used to do.

I am someone who believes in science and everything logical, until some of the elders in my family actually say that there's something that acted as a barrier; an obstacle that made this whole thing hard and rough.

Maybe a sin, or a particular emotion, or something that is yet to be undone that causes the body to surrender but the mind still lingering unconscious inside. To be honest, I really don't know about those things, and I choose not to mess up and staying quiet I think is the best option right now.

Is it hard to have sparks of hope? It is, but we all tried to possess it even though just a bit. We tried, but as days passes by, it's harder to have hope and to preserve.

Actually, it comes to the point where some family members actually prayed for a peace, quiet farewell instead of the miracle of woking up. 

I don't know what will happen. But I do, too, hoped for the best, maybe a farewell in solitude, shall no one get more deprived physically and mentally.