I'm No Longer an Extrovert, I Have Completely Changed Into an Introvert.

 

This was a draft written in December 2019.  I would like to continue writing this.

It’s December, the last month of the year, and of course, I do that annual ritual of self-reflecting.

Over the course of nine years, I realized how big I have changed in terms of my emotion and personality.  These nine years are split into my middle school era, high school era, and currently my college-era; all of them which are composed of three years each.

Back when I was a 13 years old girl, I feel like I am such a loud person.  I would say that I’m pretty extroverted, and I pretty much get along with everyone.  Oh, and also I’m such a bully back then.  I never hesitate to say my opinion out loud.  I often got into arguments with my friends.  I can easily express my feeling; be it angry, sad, happy, etc.

High school is such a drama phase.  Every time I have some dispute with my friend, it always took such a long time to solve.  Actually, years and months to solve.  I’m not that expressive with my emotion and opinion.  I only show my true colour to my inner circle.  I know what I shouldn’t say in front of a certain person, but later I can badmouth them later without them knowing.  I can say I’m like a timed-bomb; I can explode ‘later’.

College was a huge change in my life.  I had to move out of town, meet people from all over Indonesia, and face another level of challenges.  And right now, here on my third year, I feel completely different compared to the nine-years-ago me.

It’s kinda extreme, but I’d say that I went from extrovert à ambivert à introvert.

I do feel that I don’t talk that much anymore.  Well, I’d love to call it ‘being reserved’ but I didn’t talk because I became wiser when it comes to controlling my thoughts and tongue, I simply didn’t talk because I feel like I’m too tired to talk.

College is the moment when you realized you’re too tired too even be mad at something/somebody.

I changed from a suicide bomb to a timed-bomb into a bottle of unopened eco-enzyme.  I keep everything within me, by myself, and then I don’t know when I will blow up.

 

Continued, written on 9 February 2021

It’s been one year since I wrote those paragraphs and considering that we all living with a pandemic, those old thoughts of mine is still legit.  I turned even way more introverted than I could imagine.  Now that I lose the physical presence of 90% people, I can’t help but become introvert.  My MBTI type used to be ENFP but now it’s INTP.

I have this symptom of literally social distancing for real.  Like, I am slow in responding to people most of the time.  I have been way too long spending my time inside my house, I don’t actually have the willingness to go outside.

Being unable to meet in person, all forms of communication has fully switched to texts, calls, and video meetings.  Honestly, it’s all draining out my energy, both physically and mentally.  Back when I can still meet people and spend time with them, the phone is just a secondary item; an item used to make communication easier and a form of entertainment (games, Youtube, reading, etc.).  But now, there’s this obvious reason to always be online or glued to our phone.

Got a lecture?  I need to join on zoom via my zoom application on my phone.  Got something to discuss with my friends?  I need to be online on WhatsApp.  There’s important news from the college?  I need to check it via LINE.  Wanted to talk to someone but I don’t have their phone numbers?  Contact them through Instagram. It’s all so overwhelming and my phone is no longer a source of entertainment and a tool to make my life easier; it’s now the main source of all communication, and also a burden.

Because of the constant need to always be online, I pretty much got tired of it and I have been avoiding my phone a lot these few months.  I prefer spending my time reading books or basically doing anything without phone.  Or if I really wanted to enjoy binge-watching something through my phone, I’ll make sure to turn off all notification because I just can’t handle it.

I am an introvert, but I long for those days where I can meet people and talk to them directly instead of doing everything from phone.  From the beginning, my phone was never the main source of communication from me.  It just serves as a tool to ease my communication with people.

So please, bear with me if I don’t always reply to your messages or calls.  I have to find the mood and the willingness to dedicate my time to open all of my social media/messaging apps and reply to messages.  No kidding, but if I’m really not in the mood to socialize, then I won’t do it because I can’t.

That’s it, let’s see how much and how long it takes until we can all enjoy life like we used to do before the pandemic.