Get A Grip On Yourself, Dammit!
God has been working on this particular word. A simple word that He would like to embed inside me. A word that is so generalized, I forgot to take it seriously from my point of view. Control.
Some rants here for ya'. College is all gangsta and fun until you face pressures.
I am grateful that I am a quick learner when it comes to language, thus I have no problem preserving my grades. But... I have to deal with people around me; when I'm studying, at the student union, my lecturers, and the people inside my inner circle.
College is the perfect place to find different kinds of people. Honestly, ever since I enrolled in college, I have a bigger sense of individuality. I prefer to get things done by myself when it comes to academic responsibility. But groups assignments are inevitable so I have to deal with it.
I am vocal and I don't hesitate when it comes to expressing my thoughts and opinions. Having to do a presentation in front of the class is actually something I enjoyed more than working on test papers. And of course, there will be people who're totally the polar opposite of me. The people who would actually avoid eye contact when it comes to presentation; the quiet one who won't say a thing unless the lecturer asked them to.
Beginning of February, I had some conflict with one of the student union's member. Her attitude kind of pissed me off, mainly because she has no power to stand up for herself and she's too afraid to even apologize and take the responsibility of her wrongdoings. Reflecting back on it, I realized that maybe my dominating presence is actually putting pressure on some people, but still, as a grown-up, I think it is mandatory to be responsible. She was super quiet, it stressed the hell out of me. I have no mood to talk to her, and it's driving me crazy because she also seemed oblivious about the whole thing. After days of contemplating and praying, I decided to talk to her first and tell her the truth of what I've been feeling.
She finally gathered the courage to officially apologize to me and everything is cleared. I thought, would everything be different had I decided to not be angry to her that day? Could I enjoy days with no stress had I decided to talk about these things with her on the day it happened?
The other episode comes after. The lecturer assigned the class to create teams of two. On the day of that class, I arrived late because it was raining, the lower part of my jeans was wet. Since I was late to class, I don't have the chance to choose my own partner, so the lecturer already signed me to a person. Surprise! My partner was ten times way introverted that my union member I previously talked about. She rarely speaks! And her voice is so small!
I remember the day before that I prayed to God to teach me how to be more patient and understanding toward people who has the opposite character as me. I feel a thump in my chest, it's as if God is replying to me "You want to practice your patience and your self-control? Here!" But I don't imagine God saying this to me in English, I believe God instead said this to me "Arep belajar dadi wong sing sabar lan iso pengendalian diri? Nyoh, iki lho, tak kek'i latihan!"
No kidding, the moment I sat beside my partner, I feel like crying for real. To summarize, it's like a burning flame and a block of cold ice. We are so different. The lecturer gave us the material to analyze, and most of the time I have to lead her. I continuously asked questions solely to make her speak. The thing is, the material is something she has had experience with. Me? I can't grasp the general idea of it because I grew in a non-Chinese speaking environment. I asked for her opinion so that we can write a summary of our analyzation, but her answers are... unclear. She stated facts but has no confidence in saying that it's her opinion. She's... I forgot how to say this in English, but she's really tidak tegas. And it's driving me crazy because I have to arrange a statement from her words to create a summary.
And she's fine with everything that I said, even though I asked her "Is this okay? What do you think?" She would only reply "It's okay. It's fine." But that is not what I'm hoping for. As a team, I was hoping that my partner would correct me if she thinks that my statement is lacking something; I was hoping she would correct me if I said something wrong. But she didn't do it and I feel very devastated. I thought to myself, "Yup, she's the follower-type. Definitely needs to be guided."
That day, I suffered from a headache. My journey on "trying to be a person who can control her emotion" is definitely not an easy one.
God decided to put me into training again, but this time by allowing the whole covid-19 outbreak to erupts. I suddenly have so much to think about: whether or not I should go home; whether it is safe to leave the city; what will happen to my student union and how am I going to remotely manage it; etc.
When the news is reporting deaths and other scary things about the virus, I became paranoid and scared for real. Especially when I came to the train station only to see the parking lot empty and the lobby filled with only 100-ish people. It's mindblowing to witness that the always packed station is now so empty. My heart is beating so fast when the whole social distancing protocol is being done inside the station and the train. I am worried that I might catch the virus on my way home and might possibly spread it to the people inside my house.
I panicked and contacted my pastor and my friends, once again contemplating whether this was the right choice. All of them are being very supportive and me, my pastor sent me verses from the Bible to read on my way home.
When I am finally seated down, I read the verses and it feels like God is tapping my chest. He once again reminded me of 'control'.
The whole virus and the situation is in God's control. God is in charge. My job is to take control of myself, to get a grip on myself. My responsibility is to control my emotion, my action, and my thoughts so that I won't bring harm to others, but instead giving courage and assure people that we will be fine in the hands of the Lord.
Now here's the thing, after this pandemic, we won't be able to return to our normal pre-pandemic life. There will be changes. And that's exactly what God is controlling us. Whether it's our lifestyle, our action, etc. He is trying to change us, to control us. God is in control of our universe, and we are in control of our own mind and body.
The 'temporary pause' we human experiencing right now is a chance for us to be more sensitive to His words and will. For me personally, I believe that God is actually tired of us harming the environment. Thus, I hope that after this pandemic ends, people would actually stop their high usage of transportation so that we might have better air quality and atmospheres.
I saw this meme somewhere that the tables have turned; the humans are now caged inside their house while the animals are roaring free. This got me thinking about animal rights, and how the pandemic does affects the animal both in a good and bad way.
This is quite a long post, considering it was written spontaneously. I wish everyone is doing fine.
Should I say this is my word of 2020? I just realized a few weeks ago that from the beginning of this year; the environment, the people, and everything that revolves around me has been emphasizing on the meaning of 'control'.
Some rants here for ya'. College is all gangsta and fun until you face pressures.
I am grateful that I am a quick learner when it comes to language, thus I have no problem preserving my grades. But... I have to deal with people around me; when I'm studying, at the student union, my lecturers, and the people inside my inner circle.
College is the perfect place to find different kinds of people. Honestly, ever since I enrolled in college, I have a bigger sense of individuality. I prefer to get things done by myself when it comes to academic responsibility. But groups assignments are inevitable so I have to deal with it.
I am vocal and I don't hesitate when it comes to expressing my thoughts and opinions. Having to do a presentation in front of the class is actually something I enjoyed more than working on test papers. And of course, there will be people who're totally the polar opposite of me. The people who would actually avoid eye contact when it comes to presentation; the quiet one who won't say a thing unless the lecturer asked them to.
Beginning of February, I had some conflict with one of the student union's member. Her attitude kind of pissed me off, mainly because she has no power to stand up for herself and she's too afraid to even apologize and take the responsibility of her wrongdoings. Reflecting back on it, I realized that maybe my dominating presence is actually putting pressure on some people, but still, as a grown-up, I think it is mandatory to be responsible. She was super quiet, it stressed the hell out of me. I have no mood to talk to her, and it's driving me crazy because she also seemed oblivious about the whole thing. After days of contemplating and praying, I decided to talk to her first and tell her the truth of what I've been feeling.
She finally gathered the courage to officially apologize to me and everything is cleared. I thought, would everything be different had I decided to not be angry to her that day? Could I enjoy days with no stress had I decided to talk about these things with her on the day it happened?
The other episode comes after. The lecturer assigned the class to create teams of two. On the day of that class, I arrived late because it was raining, the lower part of my jeans was wet. Since I was late to class, I don't have the chance to choose my own partner, so the lecturer already signed me to a person. Surprise! My partner was ten times way introverted that my union member I previously talked about. She rarely speaks! And her voice is so small!
I remember the day before that I prayed to God to teach me how to be more patient and understanding toward people who has the opposite character as me. I feel a thump in my chest, it's as if God is replying to me "You want to practice your patience and your self-control? Here!" But I don't imagine God saying this to me in English, I believe God instead said this to me "Arep belajar dadi wong sing sabar lan iso pengendalian diri? Nyoh, iki lho, tak kek'i latihan!"
No kidding, the moment I sat beside my partner, I feel like crying for real. To summarize, it's like a burning flame and a block of cold ice. We are so different. The lecturer gave us the material to analyze, and most of the time I have to lead her. I continuously asked questions solely to make her speak. The thing is, the material is something she has had experience with. Me? I can't grasp the general idea of it because I grew in a non-Chinese speaking environment. I asked for her opinion so that we can write a summary of our analyzation, but her answers are... unclear. She stated facts but has no confidence in saying that it's her opinion. She's... I forgot how to say this in English, but she's really tidak tegas. And it's driving me crazy because I have to arrange a statement from her words to create a summary.
And she's fine with everything that I said, even though I asked her "Is this okay? What do you think?" She would only reply "It's okay. It's fine." But that is not what I'm hoping for. As a team, I was hoping that my partner would correct me if she thinks that my statement is lacking something; I was hoping she would correct me if I said something wrong. But she didn't do it and I feel very devastated. I thought to myself, "Yup, she's the follower-type. Definitely needs to be guided."
That day, I suffered from a headache. My journey on "trying to be a person who can control her emotion" is definitely not an easy one.
 |
| I feel like uploading random pic so that this whole post isn't all paragraphs. I miss the sea, by the way. I want to go snorkelling again... |
God decided to put me into training again, but this time by allowing the whole covid-19 outbreak to erupts. I suddenly have so much to think about: whether or not I should go home; whether it is safe to leave the city; what will happen to my student union and how am I going to remotely manage it; etc.
When the news is reporting deaths and other scary things about the virus, I became paranoid and scared for real. Especially when I came to the train station only to see the parking lot empty and the lobby filled with only 100-ish people. It's mindblowing to witness that the always packed station is now so empty. My heart is beating so fast when the whole social distancing protocol is being done inside the station and the train. I am worried that I might catch the virus on my way home and might possibly spread it to the people inside my house.
I panicked and contacted my pastor and my friends, once again contemplating whether this was the right choice. All of them are being very supportive and me, my pastor sent me verses from the Bible to read on my way home.
When I am finally seated down, I read the verses and it feels like God is tapping my chest. He once again reminded me of 'control'.
The whole virus and the situation is in God's control. God is in charge. My job is to take control of myself, to get a grip on myself. My responsibility is to control my emotion, my action, and my thoughts so that I won't bring harm to others, but instead giving courage and assure people that we will be fine in the hands of the Lord.
Now here's the thing, after this pandemic, we won't be able to return to our normal pre-pandemic life. There will be changes. And that's exactly what God is controlling us. Whether it's our lifestyle, our action, etc. He is trying to change us, to control us. God is in control of our universe, and we are in control of our own mind and body.
The 'temporary pause' we human experiencing right now is a chance for us to be more sensitive to His words and will. For me personally, I believe that God is actually tired of us harming the environment. Thus, I hope that after this pandemic ends, people would actually stop their high usage of transportation so that we might have better air quality and atmospheres.
I saw this meme somewhere that the tables have turned; the humans are now caged inside their house while the animals are roaring free. This got me thinking about animal rights, and how the pandemic does affects the animal both in a good and bad way.
This is quite a long post, considering it was written spontaneously. I wish everyone is doing fine.
Komentar
Posting Komentar