What People Never Told Me About Pet Loss

 

A tribute to Hammond Paddington.  There won't be a day that goes by without you on my mind.

I have seen so many contents talking about bracing oneself to one day face the loss of one's beloved pet.  Our family has been talking about "Later if Hammond is gone, we need to welcome another dog that needs a loving home."  But as much as we know that it might happen one day, we never thought that it would come this fast.

You know Hamm, Kakak was just waking up from a long deserved Sunday nap.  It was a great day, overall, a day spent resting and spending time with family at home.

Never have I ever known that what I heard during that day's sermon would actually hit me like a truck.

"Us, human, never know what the future holds.  We don't even know what would happen in the next one minute, yet we still live making plans and setting a goal to achieve; just because we trust in God that there will be another day to wake up into."

When talking about pet loss, people never really talk about the guilt that would forever haunt me for the rest of my life.  Every time I recall about how things went down that eventually led to your last breath, I couldn't help but to constantly blame myself for everything -- for the loss of your life.

If only I acted quickly.  If only I have the strength to manhandle.  If only I didn't have any fear in me.  If only I drove the car directly into the second clinic instead of wasting our time visiting the first one and having to go through the busy streets on a Sunday night.  If only I drove the car faster.  If only I asked the doctor to perform a surgery on you as soon as possible.  If only I said a proper goodbye to you, at least a kiss, during our last meeting when you were still conscious.  If only I prayed harder for you.

Hamm, all four of us couldn't sleep for a bit at that night.  I somehow regretted not going back into the clinic in the middle of the night during your procedure.

I cried so hard.  I begged God to take anything away from me and trade it for your life; I don't mind losing my job, my money, my friends, my dignity, or even have my life cut much shorter.  If those can keep you safe and alive, I don't mind losing everything.

I continuously prayed to God to remove this cup of torture from me; because I know how bitter it is when I lost Chiwa and Kkobugi.

But God chugged that cup right inside my throat, and it was the most bitter of all that I have tasted.

You passed away 5 a.m Monday 19th May 2025, and my life has never been the same since.

We had to pick up your lifeless body, lying so stiff with your eyes half ajar and your purplish tongue sticking out.  Your body was a mess, but you are still the most handsome in my eyes.

I kept on staring at your corpse, and I swear I think I'm at the brink of going crazy because I would hallucinate and told myself that you were. just sleeping; that your stomach would go up and down just like you would normally do when you take a nap.

We drove to Malang to bury you on grandpama's backyard, along with the rest of our angels; Bath, Shelbi, and Chiwa.  It rained so hard after we buried you, and I feel like the earth is also mourning your loss.

You were just celebrating your 11th birthday a month ago.  I have always trusted myself that I would at least see you until you turn 15 or 16 years old.  You have been with us for a decade.  You were there when I was just an immature high schooler, and you were there through all my ups and downs.

You were my child, my best friend, my sleeping buddy, my workout supporter, the love of my life.  You gave me unconditional love, and I will be forever regretting the fact that I couldn't give more to you when you were alive.

Hamm, Kakak is not kidding when I told you it literally felt like a torture.  I couldn't stop crying everyday for around a week since you left us.  It literally felt like there was an invisible rope tied around my neck and it would always tighten every time I think of you.

My hand would still be shaking, and during times like this when I am kinda missing your presence, sometimes the guilt would eat me up alive and I could smell the blood that was all over my torso on the day that you got into that accident.

The only strands of fur I kept of yours were the ones that are already tainted by the smell of medicines and other biochemical the doctors had at the clinic, and I dreaded it; for I'm afraid that I would one day lose and forgot how your body smells.

Continuing to live inside this house is hard because there's always a memory of you in every corner of this house.  I can't sleep in peace knowing that you were always the one to sleep next to me on my pillow.  I lost your warmth and your company.

Every little habit of yours that we always found annoying were being missed, and I would do everything if God gave me the chance to relive those moments again.  I don't mind having to wake up in the middle of the night, or having to stop doing whatever I do to tend into your matters; I just miss doing them for you.

It's still a hard time for me to heal from this loss, Hamm.  People say time will numb, but God heals.  God has gave me the confirmation a few weeks ago that whatever effort we would do during that day; all would eventually result in you passing away.  We just couldn't help it because it was all in God's plan already.

It's hard to be grateful for this whole event, trust me, Hamm.  But one thing I'm grateful for is the fact that you went to heaven to directly experience how it feels to be loved and cared directly by Papa J.  I can't give you the perfect healthy body you used to have, but Papa J is more than able to give anything that you want to make you happier.  My love and my capabilities in loving you as a human are very limited, hence I know it is better that you are with God right now.  It is indeed painful on my ends, but at least you're happily running around under Papa J's care forever.

I love you so much Hammond, no words are enough to describe my love.  You were my everything.  And I believe our goodbye is not the end as I will be seeing you again soon.

In the meantime, I will take a really good care of your brother.  I don't know whether I'm ready to open my heart and my door for a new dog soul to tend for, but I reckon you'll tell me when I'm ready.

Unlimited hugs, kisses, and love,

From Kakak to Hammond.