Death and the regrets that was left behind

For the past month, it's been quite a depressing days for me.  I lost my grandmother, and it's honesty still hard to move on from the fact that she has passed away.  I was among the ones to stood by her deathbed and watch her having a seizure before God decided that it's time for her to reach the finish line.  I'm just so sad knowing that I haven't been a filial granddaughter.  I didn't spend much time with her, I don't talk a lot with her aside from general 'daily' stuff.  When she passed away, I just realized how much I didn't know her as a person.  She is my grandma, but aside from our blood-line status, is there something I can recall about her as a human being?

The regret of not using the time to spend with her when she's alive still lingers, even until today.  I will still choke on my throat because I exactly know how it felt to watch her body become stiff and her skin losing its warmth.

Don't take anything for granted, they said.  I think I never really know how to emhatize with this sentence just recently.  But I feel like God wanted to put more emphasis on this fact by giving me another surprise: one of my high school senior has also passed away a few days ago.

I was pretty close with her as a senior and a junior.  She helped me a lot during my time adjusting to the high school routine.  I still remember the times we spent eating sushi in a small stall near my home.  I can't really recall our conversation, but just the fact that we're that close to hang out after school proves how she meant a lot to me.

We kinda have the same struggle as a dancer.  She bore a heavy role in one of our performances, and I still remember how we hugged and cried after our first stage because we made a lot of mistakes.  She was a nice person and after she graduates, we naturally drifted apart.

And this is when my regret starts to kick in.  Why I didn't contact her or try to reach out to her after all this time?  What is holding me back?  I swear, the thought of 'afraid that the person is busy' is such a stupid reason that kept people from contacting other people.

I'm still super sad about her sudden passing.  We last communicated in 2015 using google hangout chat.  Every time I open my Gmail, I would see her profile at the bottom left of my screen.  It hurts so much that I could've sent her some words and re-connect with her again, but I didn't do it.  Yesterday when I opened our google hangout chat, it was written that she was last online a month ago.

If I have the power to turn back time, I would really turn back one month to contact her, had I known that her time on this earth won't be that long again.  But the reality is that I don't have the chance to re-connect with her and now it's too late.  The status that was written as 'last online a month ago' won't have the chance to be 'online'.  The only thing changing is the fact that the phrase 'a month ago' will change to two months ago, three months ago, and so on......

I always think of myself as an outsider.  I'm introverted, and I can't really stay on the phone too much to maintain communication with people.  It tires me.  But I think I need to change before death comes again and take another people in my life or worst; maybe he'll take me next.

Dear Eyang, and dear Kak PR.  I miss you guys so much.  I am sorry for the thing I haven't had the chance to say and do for you.  I'll see you guys soon.